Wednesday, April 25, 2012

John Cougar Prefers Deep Tissue

So like I mentioned last post, I had my first full body massage yesterday. I had purchased a Groupon for a place nearby and it was about to expire, so I figured race week is as good as any. The Groupon was for a nice, relaxing Swedish massage, but when I arrived I was given the chance to pay a little more to have them beat the crap out of me (i.e. deep tissue massage). I took them up on the offer.

When I made my appointment, I was asked if I had a gender preference. My wife told me I should ask for a man, because they are typically stronger and can apply more pressure. Easy choice for her to pick a guy, since she would never be part of a dude-on-dude rubdown. Also, I'm pretty sure at least in the back of her head she didn't want some other woman touching me. So when the question came up by the receptionist, I replied in my manliest voice, "no preference."

I arrived on time, was given some paperwork to fill out, paid for my beatdown upgrade, and was asked to wait as he would be with me shortly. Yep. Got a dude.

I should stop right here and clarify. I know a massage is non-sexual; or at least they should be (different topic). I also know that my masseuse is a professional, like a doctor (of course, I would never tip my doctor after an exam. Especially if it involved a colonoscopy or hernia check...Awkward). That all being said; its still me, stripped down to my boxers, getting an oily rubdown by some guy; and I think I have the right to feel a little uncomfortable about it. No offense, Jason.

Sure it was a little awkward at first, but you get used to it. Awkwardness surfaced again when he hit the glutes, but subsided. Really, my head is buried in a pillow and no one is talking over the sounds of XM Spa in the background (its been a while since I listened to Enya and Tangerine Dream). It could of a been a woman (with man hands) for all I knew; then I had to flip over. I chose to stare at the ceiling, because nothing screams awkward like looking into the eyes of a guy whose hand is all up on your pectoral.

It started fairly gentle, warming up the muscles. It was pretty relaxing. I wondered if he had noticed that I upgraded. He noticed. Before I knew it, he was digging his elbow into my trapezius. An experience that I can't call pleasant. It was a good pain; It hurts but you don't want it to stop. Think the scene in Little Shop of Horrors where Bill Murray is at the dentist.

He also did this thing which to me felt like he grabbed a knot and tossed it back and forth from one hand to another. That actually wasn't painful at all and seemed to help. I won't divulge into every muscle group this guy worked on. I'm sure I've bored you enough already.

I couldn't really do anything after I got home. Lauren was having a mommy-night-out with a friend, so it was just me and Jack. He ran around for a while then joined me on the couch to watch the end of a disappointing Tigers game.

Talking Points:

  • Ever had a massage? Swedish? Deep Tissue? Sports? or that one where they use their feet?
  • What was your experience like?
  • Is it weird that I, a straight, married male had a male masseuse?
  • How awesome is Bill Murray? That's rhetorical, but feel free to join me in his praise. And for LSoH.


  1. Crap I just watched the Bill Murray clip and it starts/ends to early. I'll try to find another clip.

  2. Crap I just watched the Bill Murray clip and it starts/ends to early. I'll try to find another clip.